Black and white thinking is actually a cognitive distortion. It’s an incorrect belief that reduces the complexities of relationships into far too-simple categories. Really, nearly everything about our relationships and emotions exist entirely on a spectrum.

Scholars call this rationale “dichotomous thinking.” This just means grouping things into opposite parts—good or bad, yes or no, perfect or ruined, always or never. 

Impacts of Black and White Thinking in a Relationship

When you think in such extremes, you miss a lot of things that make you and others more human and lovable, and you misunderstand situations that require nuance.

Emotional Exhaustion

When everything is either good or bad, it’s hard to find a “fine.” It can be exhausting emotionally to completely flip your opinion of something or someone based on an arbitrary line in the sand. Finding nuance can help us accept our own flaws, and learn emotional resilience.

Conflict Escalation

Not only does black and white thinking reduce our emotional resilience, it reduces our ability to resolve conflict. We can’t find a middle ground if we can’t work on understanding the issues. Instead of simple disagreements, you end up relationship-ending fights. 

Idealization of Your Partner

Dichotomous thinking can lead to thinking of your partner as either perfect or someone worth dumping. Putting someone on a pedestal may seem like an act of love, but it doesn’t give them any room for error. You don’t see them as a human being trying to be your partner, but rather a trophy that you can replace. 

How to Put a Stop to Black and White Thinking

You’ll be happier and your relationships will be healthier if you learn how to explore gray areas.

Replace “But” With “And”

Saying “but” negates the phrase that came before it. Replacing it with “and” helps show that you believe more than one thing can be true at once.

“You’re a great cook but you don’t clean as you go” means that the fact that your partner cooks doesn’t matter because you don’t like her cleaning standards

“You’re a great cook and you don’t clean as you go” sounds more like your issues with her cleanliness doesn’t affect her appreciation of their cooking.

Find a Third Option

If you find yourself caught in that black or white thinking, ask yourself “what could a third option be?” Even if you don’t initially think that is legitimately an option, practice giving yourself that choice. Cognitive distortions are difficult to break free from, but just imagining a third option can help you practice finding some nuance in the situation.

Get Help With Your Relationships at Inner Balance

Black and white thinking may have started as something to preserve your peace or to set some hard boundaries, but you may find it hard to find the gray areas that help you maintain healthy relationships.

Reach out today for counseling at Inner Balance. We provide trauma-informed counseling, and individual therapy specifically for relationship issues.