After a loss, some natural emotions and reactions occur. Sadness, uncontrolled crying, and even physical ailments are typical after a loss.

Grief is the emotional and physical reaction to loss, and it’s a common and healthy experience. In this resource, we’ll cover everything there is to know about grief, including:

• What causes it
• What it looks like
• Its different types
• It’s 5 stages
• Coping with it
• Counseling options
• Helping someone through it

What Do We Grieve?

Grief occurs when something is lost. This could be:

• Death
• Financial loss
• The future
• A breakup
• Material objects
• Life changes

Whatever is lost will affect the duration and intensity of the grief and what it will look like.

What Does Grief Look Like?

What someone is grieving will affect what that process looks like.

Grief looks different for everyone. Some people will express their grief outwardly, such as crying, talking, and openly expressing their emotions. However, some people don’t express emotions on that level, and instead seem reserved, quiet, and act almost normal.

This is true for the duration of grief. Some people will process and move through grief quickly, but others will take longer. Some people may not even start grieving immediately after a loss.

While everyone expresses grief differently, it’s almost always a whole-body experience. It can significantly affect a person’s mental and physical health.

Emotional Symptoms of Grief

The feelings associated with grief include:

• Numbness
• Sadness
• Shock
• Anger
• Guilt
• Relief

These expressions may have external expressions or they may be hard to spot.

Physical Symptoms of Grief

Our mental health affects our physical health. Just like anxiety can cause stomach pain and fatigue, grief can cause physical symptoms.

• Headaches
• Body aches
• Stomach pain
• Increased heart rate
• Difficulty breathing
• Weakened Immunity
• Sleep issues

The pain and discomfort of grief is the body's way of processing. These symptoms can’t be avoided. However, they should improve as time passes. If they don't, professional help is recommended.

‍Learn more about the connection between mental and physical health:

• Can Anxiety and Depression Make You Sick? Short-Term Health Problems
• These are The Long Term Health Effects of Depression 

Types of Grief

Your experience is unique to you, but there are multiple ways grief can manifest. These categories help people put into words what they’re feeling.

Sudden Grief

Life happens fast. One moment everything is fine; the next, you’re dealing with a loss.

Sudden grief occurs when there’s a sudden and unexpected loss. It may come from an unexpected death or a natural disaster that takes your home. This kind of grief is mostly associated with shock and feelings of disorientation. The person needs time to fully grasp what happened before they can move through feelings of grief.

Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief involves the grieving process that occurs before a loss. Perhaps the example that most people call to mind is that of a loved one experiencing a terminal illness.

Knowing that a loss is going to occur can trigger the process of grief. However, that doesn’t make the grieving process any easier or more ideal.

Complicated Grief

Complicated grief occurs when grief extends well beyond the typical timeframe that grief takes up and is debilitating. The symptoms of this grief are similar to the other kinds, but they are often more intense and last over a year.

If you’re having difficulty overcoming grief and it’s been over a year, find professional help from a counselor.

Delayed Grief 

Grief doesn’t always occur right after a loss. You have too much to deal with or are too overwhelmed to experience grief.

Delayed grief occurs months or even years after the loss. You may think you’ve processed the loss, but your body was just waiting for the proper time to grieve.

Cumulative Grief

While experiencing cumulative grief, you’ll be working through multiple losses at once. 

For example, you’re not only grieving the loss of a home after a natural disaster, you’re also mourning the loss of your community, your job, and maybe family heirlooms. 

This can also occur when a loss is similar to another one you’ve experienced before, such as losing multiple loved ones to cancer. The new loss reminds you of the one you experienced before, and those feelings can compound on the new grief.

Collective Grief

Grief is more than a personal experience. Collective groups can grieve as well. Events like natural disasters, shootings, acts of war, and pandemics can each create collective grief for a group of people.

Collective grief requires the entire community to grieve as a community. This will look different for every situation.

The Five Stages of Grief

Grief is a process with stages to work through. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published the theory of the five stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

These stages are not linear, and there is no single right way of moving through them. Some people skip stages and even return to different stages. However, the Kübler-Ross model is the most widely accepted framework for understanding grief.

Denial

After a loss, it’s hard to come to grips with the new reality. The shock and numbness people experience after a loss tend to block people from accepting the reality of the situation.

Denial is the first stage of the grieving process, and it can manifest in several ways:

• Refusal to acknowledge the loss
• Avoiding conversations
• Saying the loss hasn’t been confirmed

Accepting the loss has happened is usually the first step in the grieving process. It usually needs to happen before someone can work through the rest of the stages of grief.

Anger

After people have acknowledged the loss, they may begin to experience anger over the loss, believing that it shouldn’t have happened, and someone is to blame. This anger can be directed at any number of people or things:

• God
• Doctors
• Family members
• The deceased
• Oneself

Anger can manifest in a lot of ways and can lead to tensions within the family and between friends. This part of the grieving process may cause someone to say hurtful things.

Bargaining

Greif creates feelings of hopelessness. Feeling overwhelmed is common, and it’s normal to start asking “what if”.

Bargaining is the stage where someone starts to negotiate the terms of the loss. They may ask a higher power to intervene or consider what could have happened for a different outcome.

Depression

This is the stage where the emotional toll of the loss is most felt. The earlier stages exist to protect the person from the emotions of grief. However, they are inevitable.

Grief is closely associated with depression because it’s a normal reaction to loss. Symptoms include:

• Lack of energy
• Feelings of sadness
• Changes in sleep patterns
• Difficulty concentrating
• Agitation

During this stage of grief, your daily function may be impacted, but the symptoms should go away with time. However, if prolonged grief disorder develops, it may take over a year to feel better. At that point, it’s helpful to seek professional help to find a way forward.

Learn more about depression by reading our full guide on this mental health disorder: What is Depression? - Symptoms & Treatments 

Acceptance

Acceptance is the final stage in the grieving process. It's when we stop running from reality and come to terms with the reality after the loss.

This stage manifests through the celebration of the lost life. We’re sad they are gone, but we cherish our time together. You likely still feel sadness, but you’re in a place where you can regulate your emotions and live life outside of your loss.

Coping With Grief

As you feel your way through grief, here are some ways to cope when the grief becomes unbearable:

Be In The Present

Using mindfulness or grounding skills to stay rooted in the present. Realize what has (or hasn’t) happened, and permit yourself to feel your feelings. Acknowledge your emotions in the moment, and take a second to understand where they came from. 

Learn more about micro meditations and how you can find mindfulness throughout your day.

Control What You Can Control

You cannot change what happened or the fact that you are experiencing grief. Allow yourself to control how you grieve, what you do with your grief, what your next steps are, and how to control your own judgment about the way you are processing grief.

This isn’t meant to put limits on your emotions. Rather, controlling what you can should be framed as looking outward and understanding the narrative of your experience.

Practice Compassion

Think about how you would comfort a loved one or young child experiencing the grief you are feeling. What would you say to them and how would you treat them? Can you extend those same things to yourself? Treat yourself with compassion and honor that when difficult things happen, we feel—and it is okay to feel.

Name What You’re Feeling.

Instead of trying to avoid or numb your feelings, honestly name what you are experiencing. Try to place yourself in one of the stages of grief, and feel that without judgment. When we name our emotions, we give organization and meaning to the experience, which in turn empowers us to move forward.

Grief Counseling

People usually aren’t taught or prepared for how to grieve. It’s okay to find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the process of grief and unsure of how to navigate the next few hours, days, or months. It is okay if, like many, you feel unable to make plans for the future.

Please know that you can work with a professional who can give you additional skills for coping with grief, help you process your grief, and guide you to find meaning.

The counselors at Inner Balance are trauma-informed, meaning we approach our clients with compassion and an understanding of how past experiences can shape the present. Learn about trauma therapy at Inner Balance, and how it can be used to help you work through your grief.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Encourages acceptance of negative feelings and circumstances. Acceptance is the final stage of grief. This helps guide people to that point with a focus on healthier patterns to reach goals.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT)

CBT is a very common form of therapy, and it’s used for many mental health struggles. This kind of therapy is focused on changing thought patterns and creating healthy relationships between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Learn more about CBT at Inner Balance.

Group Therapy

Group therapy is a great option for dealing with grief. You may feel alone in this struggle, but the truth is everyone will experience grief at some point in their life.

Processing can be improved while in the presence of others. You’re not alone in this struggle.

Art Therapy

Art can be a powerful tool to help people through the grieving process. It’s a way for people to express themselves in a way that is unique to them. Art creation can also be a great tool for expressing feelings too difficult for words. 

Helping Someone Who’s Grieving

If you’re supporting a loved one through grief, there are some things you should know:

• Don’t let fear stop you: It’s going to feel a bit uncomfortable when you reach out to support someone who is grieving. Don’t let fear over what to say stop you from providing support.
• Let them know you’re listening: Tell your grieving friend that you’re listening. You should do this by proving you’re listening and telling them you’re listening.
• Offer practical help: It’s not your responsibility to rush them through the grieving process. You should be present with them and offer practical help during their bereavement. That means offering meals, cleaning, or other ways you can help.
• Be a part of the process: Everyone grieves differently. Be present throughout the process.

Grief is a normal and important process. Don’t minimize or try to move them through the process quickly. Let them take your time and be with them through it.

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Read our related article on helping a depressed spouse through dark times.

Processing Grief At Inner Balance

No matter what you’re grieving, Inner Balance Counseling can help you process and move forward with healthy coping strategies.

You don’t need to wait for your grief to become unbearable. Our counseling services are straightforward and designed to help you where you’re at.

Get in touch today to start the healing process.