Is Fighting Healthy in a Relationship?

Healthy relationships can improve people’s mental health, create a feeling of support, and help people get through tough times. However, intimate relationships are also a hotbed for conflict.

Being in an intimate relationship with someone means being vulnerable. Most of marriage is about finding solutions to problems together and working together. Because of that, relationships will naturally create conflict.

Because conflict will arise in any relationship, it’s important to learn how to fight well. In this article we’ll talk about the following:

• Is fighting important in a relationship?
• How to fight in a relationship
• How to resolve an argument with your partner

Is Fighting Important in a Relationship?

No relationship will dodge the inevitable argument and occasional spat. However, it’s not just an inevitability, it’s an important part of any relationship.

Fighting with your partner is important for intimate relationships. It gives people the ability to address issues, hear out perspectives, find solutions, and build a stronger connection.

How Much Fighting is Too Much?

When we say fighting is important in a relationship, we mean a specific flavor of conflict. Consistent arguments and aggression are not helpful in a relationship.

If you’re experiencing a breakdown in communication and the arguments are heated, couple counseling could help. Inner Balance Counseling offers couples counseling that’s designed to help couples grow together, and improve communication skills.

If you are experiencing conflict and arguments in your relationship that are scaring you, or you feel you are in danger, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is a free resource to find local resources. Call them at 1(800)799-7233 or text “START” to 88788.

Related Articles: Yelling in a Relationship Part 1, Yelling in a Relationship Part 2

How to Fight in a Relationship

There is a wrong way and a right way to argue in your relationship. If done poorly, arguments can create a hurt that will take a long time to work through or could ruin your relationship. However, when done well, fighting will make your relationship stronger.

Here’s how to argue with your partner in a healthy and mutually beneficial way.

Take a Breath

Arguments can trigger a heightened emotional response. Before getting into things, take a breath and try to calm your nerves.

This might not always be an option, but try your best to find ways to take a beat to slow down.

Listen & Allow Silence

Effective communication is important for a fight to be productive. Talking over each other, yelling, and not giving each other time to think will break down communication and render the argument unproductive.

Listening is a skill, but it’s very important for arguments. To listen well, drop what you’re doing, be attentive, ask questions, and avoid interrupting.

During an argument give space for silence. Rather than filling the silence, let it be a time to think and process. This will also give the both of you space to soothe any emotional responses.

Related Articles: How to Fix Communication Issues in a Marriage

Choose Your Words Carefully

This goes hand in hand with allowing for silence. Be slow to talk and don’t talk solely off emotions. Consider what you want to say and how your words can affect your partner.

Words like “idiot”, "stupid", “moronic”, and offensive or demeaning language are not helpful.

During an argument, you want to stick to the actual topic at hand. Using harsh language will only cause the argument to spiral down into something that ultimately won’t be beneficial.

Practice Empathy

Arguments should be seen as an opportunity to grow closer together, and to gain a better understanding of each other.

When you fight with your spouse, try to think about the issues from their point of view. This will help you better understand what their perspective is and improve your effectiveness in the relationship.

Take Time to Think

There’s nothing wrong with putting a pause on an argument. Large fights and quick spats can quickly devolve into unproductive insults or emotional roller coasters.

If you need to take time away from the argument, take it and use it to consider what you’re fighting for and what you’re feeling.

Once time has been taken, come back together and talk about what each other thought about during your time away. Address the issues together.

How to Resolve an Argument With Your Partner

Ending an argument is an important moment. It’s the off-ramp to normalcy. Some arguments will naturally come to an end. However, there are steps you can take to make the end of an argument more helpful.

Take Ownership

Throughout an argument, some criticisms might be thrown your way. Listen to these criticisms and take ownership of what you can.

If you made a mistake, said something you shouldn’t have, or hurt someone, admit it and ask for forgiveness. If there were circumstances that contributed to your actions let, that be known, but don’t use them as a way to excuse yourself.

Owning up to your mistakes, bad attitude, or poor choices will show your partner that you’re aware of your issue and willing to work through it.

Talk About What Happened

Before walking away from an argument, you can reiterate or summarize what caused the argument and how everyone was feeling and how they feel now. This will make sure everyone is on the same page.

Reiterating the argument doesn’t mean trudging through the fight or bringing it back up. It means making sure both people feel heard, validated, and if there are any changes that need to happen.

Move On

After the argument, don’t bring it up again. Use the moments after an argument to get back to the regular cadence of the relationship.

There will likely be awkward tension afterward. Embrace that, and know that fights can leave both people feeling trepidation about returning to normal.

Help your partner, and yourself, by talking about something else or giving them space to process.

Get Couples Counseling at Inner Balance Counseling

Relationships can be hard. Frequent fighting can make it feel like the relationship is falling apart. Knowing how to fight and how your partner fights is important, but it takes time to develop these skills and learn more about your partner.

Inner Balance Counseling offers couples counseling as well as individual counseling for relationship issues to help couples work through issues and find better strategies for fighting.