Being mindful of others and making reasonable compromises is a virtue, but it should never come at the expense of your wellbeing. Not actively seeking conflict is necessary for interpersonal relationships, but avoiding conflict at all costs doesn’t do anyone any favors.

Being a people pleaser is a survival mechanism. It might not always happen as a result of trauma, but it does happen as a result of lived experiences. At its center, the purpose of people pleasing is to keep hold of relationships.

Why is People Pleasing a Survival Mechanism?

People pleasing means you go above and beyond to make others happy at the cost of your own happiness. You may stifle your own wants and needs in order to accommodate someone else’s. 

While there is a debate of nature versus nurture for personality traits like selflessness and sensitivity, excessive people pleasing is usually an overcorrection of something that has happened in someone’s past. For one reason or another, people pleasers feel that it’s their only way to maintain relationships.

Someone who people pleases likely has distorted cognitions of themselves and their relationships. They “learned” that love is conditional on their selfless actions, or they believe that other people only care about what they can contribute.

Attachment Trauma

A bad breakup, abandonment from a parent, or bullying from peers can lead to attachment issues. Someone may develop people pleasing tendencies because they feel that their past behavior is the reason that they were abandoned or abused

Attachment trauma can happen when any kind of relationship leaves you feeling neglected and hurt. One common example is a parent being absent or in and out of a child’s life. Another one could be a toxic romantic partner who blames their infidelity on the other person. 

Attachment issues often develop childhood, but can be created later in life. Even if a majority of your relationships are healthy, the ones that lead to attachment issues or attachment trauma dictate how you act in those other healthy relationships.

Learn more about how attachment trauma affects relationships.

What is the Fawning Trauma Response?

When someone suffers abuse, their response may be to keep their abuser content to avoid any repercussions. This is called fawning, and it’s a documented response to complex trauma.

Fawning looks like people pleasing and conflict avoidance, but instead of something you do to maintain relationships, it’s something you do to protect your own safety. Even those who are removed from the abuse still fawn when they sense agitation or anything that resembles a threat to their safety. 

Learn more about the fawning trauma response.

The Long-Term Effects of People Pleasing and Avoiding Conflict

People pleasing and avoiding conflict may feel like it saves trouble in the moment, but over time, you can run into serious problems that affect your mental health and relationships down the line.

• It reinforces to you (and others) that your wants and needs don’t matter
• It can lead to burnout because you’re doing more emotional and mental labor to make others happy
• Interpersonal conflicts get brushed under the rug, leading to resentment and unresolved issues
• You don’t nurture meaningful support systems

People pleasing is a survival instinct, but it is a short-term fix. It’s an unhealthy coping mechanism that doesn’t reflect your experience in most relationships. The more you people please, the more these long-term effects can impact you.

Overcoming People Pleasing

Whether you’ve experienced unhealthy relationships or attachment trauma, people pleasing is an unhealthy behavior. Overcoming it first involves uncovering why you do it. Once you understand why you do it, you can learn the skills to balance positive traits like compromise and empathy with thoughts and behaviors that protect your peace.

When you come to Inner Balance to work on people pleasing behavior, we’ll work with you to uncover the root of your attachment issues. During relationship-focused therapy, we’ll work together to find out where your attachment issues started, what behaviors developed because of them, and what you want out of your relationships.

You’re allowed to voice your needs and wants in a relationship. Your value is more than what you can provide for others. Give us a call to start your journey and learn how to show up for others in a way that doesn’t break you down.

‍Schedule a call today.